In order for privacy, the interviewee’s name has been kept anonymous.

V.H: When did your sexual compulsion start?

A:  I guess it started about when I was eleven. That’s when I started my compulsive masturbation and my addiction to porn. I started masturbating when I was nine, but it wasn’t compulsive then.

V.H: Do you know why it started? What do you think were some of the factors?

A: One of the contributing factors was definitely my private school and their negative view of sex, and the fact that any time I looked at porn or masturbated I felt bad or evil—felt like I was doing something sinful. I couldn’t just enjoy my sexuality without feeling immensely guilty or shameful. I also had learning disabilities in school and hated school because of struggling and not being able to keep up, and I think it helped to enrage my sexual addiction. I guess it was a way of being able to control my life. It comforted me. Jesus was never capable of comforting me.

V.H: When did you realize that you were a sex addict, and that you needed help?

A: I first realized I was a sex addict when my first very serious relationship was falling apart. I think that I had accepted that I had a problem with sex, but I didn’t accept that I was a full-blown addict until the day after I revealed to my girlfriend all of the things I had been keeping secret, all the times I had acted out with people or on the internet without her knowing. I felt like [saying that] I was a sex addict was just an excuse—I was just mentally fucked up—it wasn’t an addiction, it just was that I was a bad person. It was a cop-out to say “I have a disease, that’s why I did that.” It was a matter of not forgiving myself.

V.H: How come you couldn’t just stop?

A: It’s like any other addiction. Ask a coke addict why he can’t stop. People don’t realize that it’s an addiction to the release of chemicals in your brain. It’s not necessarily the sex. It’s a psychological cycle. You do it to make yourself better, but in the process you make yourself worse, and to make yourself better you have to do it again.

V.H: Why did you ultimately decide to fight your sexual addiction?

A: Because I knew that I couldn’t be the person that I always envisioned myself being, with my addiction. So if I ever wanted to be the person who I wanted to be, I had to get rid of it. It was initially for my girlfriend, but I had to do it for myself as well.

V.H: How did you overcome your addiction?

A: I went and saw a psychologist—I went to see Dr. Paul James. I read some books on it, got some knowledge about my addiction. I told some people, like my parents, people who cared about me, for support. I went to SAA but I didn’t find it that helpful. I think just mainly because there was no one there in my age group, they were all in their forties. There was one girl there of my own age group, which I think made it worse because she was hot. I didn’t feel comfortable. I also didn’t like the fact of the whole “higher power” thing.

V.H:  Do you still struggle?

A: Yeah, I do still struggle. I don’t struggle as much with acting out in a physical sense, but I still struggle with my mental obsession with sex.

V.H: What advice would you give to an undiagnosed sex addict?

A: To take pity on themselves, first of all. It may not necessarily be their fault, there may be circumstances like abuse that’s out of their control that’s made them the way they are. Try and find someone you can trust that will help guide you into getting help for yourself. Try and see a specialist. Get information, read books, look up online—there’s groups online for sex addiction too, which may be easier since you don’t have to talk to someone face to face. You need someone who can keep you accountable; by yourself, it’s so much easier to fall into pitfalls.

But when is sex too much sex?

Drug and alcohol addiction have gained wide-acceptance as mental and physical diseases, and there has been increasing recognition of behavioural problems such as gambling, work, and food addiction. Yet sexual addiction remains the skeleton in society’s closet.

Our sexuality is one of the deepest parts of ourselves; the thought of it being capable of raging out of control is disturbing. It is all too easy to attribute someone else’s powerlessness over their sexual behaviour as “weakness” or “decadence.” Yet sex addiction is more than a lack of self-control or immorality. Venereal diseases, jail, divorce, destroyed families, unwanted pregnancies, shame, abuse, incest, violence… the addict’s life is not a cycle of selfish wanton pleasure, but of self-hatred and self-destruction.

It is time to look sex addiction in the face. Too many addicts suffer in silence, fearful and ashamed that the ones they love will never understand what they are going through. Sex addiction does in fact exist, and it may be unknowingly tearing apart someone you love.

Is sexual compulsion really an addiction?

The topic of sexual compulsion is controversial. Currently, there are three major competing conceptualizations in the psychological field: that sexual compulsion is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), that it is a driven behaviour of “hypersexuality,” and that it is a behavioural addiction, much like substance addiction.

Though the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders advocates that hypersexuality is a disorder, local sex therapist and Registered Psychologist Dr. Paul James argues that sex compulsion is in fact an addiction. As Dr. James explains: “I classify driven sexual behavior as an addiction because this view accounts best for the motivation behind driven sexual behavior.  The motivation underlying obsessive-compulsive behavior is the desire to alleviate anxiety and other painful feelings. . . . there is no pleasure or gratification. . . . In my opinion, the weakness of the conceptualization of driven sexual behavior as a sexual disorder, called hypersexuality, is that it does not identify what motivates the driven behavior. . . .

The motivation underlying addictive behavior is both to relieve negative emotional states (e.g., anxiety, depression, and emotional pain), and to create pleasure and euphoria. . . . People who engage in driven sexual behavior do so because it is highly reinforcing, both negatively and positively.  Following the psychiatrist, Aviel Goodman, who is a leading proponent of  the view that driven sexual behavior is best classified as an addiction, the addictive process that underlies all addictive behavior involves looking to an external object (a substance or a behavior) to regulate one’s inner emotional environment (i.e, to alleviate negative emotional states and to create pleasurable states).”

In this way, then, sex addiction really isn’t very different from a substance addiction. People turn to sex to alleviate painful feelings, as well as for a “high” of pleasure and euphoria. It doesn’t take long, however, for matters to get out of control.

What is sex addiction?

Like any other addiction, sex addiction is about powerlessness; the addict has no control over their behaviour. Dr. Patrick Carnes, the author of the pioneering work Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, proposes that sex addicts are caught up in an addiction cycle. In order to escape negative feelings, they preoccupy themselves with acting out. The SAA refers to this state as being in a “bubble,” a trance-like state where consequences have lost relevance and the addict is focused solely on the desired behaviour. This is soon accompanied by rituals, such as undressing or locking the door, which intensify arousal and excitement. After the compulsive behaviour is enacted, however, despair and hopelessness follow. These negative feelings then push the addict back into the cycle as they seek to once again escape the only way they know how.

What identifies an addict is the inability to break the cycle. Not every person who acts out with sexually inappropriate behaviour is an addict. Explains Dr. James: “It is important to distinguish healthy sexual behavior from addictive sexual behavior.  What makes sexual behavior addictive is not the behavior or the object of sexual desire per se, but rather how a person relates to the behavior and how it affects the person. Following [Aviel] Goodman, the key features that distinguish sexual addiction from other patterns of sexual behavior are: 1) the person is not reliably able to control the sexual behavior, and 2) the sexual behavior has significant harmful consequences and continues nonetheless.  So, for example, a single male who visits an escort occasionally would by this definition not be considered to have a sexual addiction.  This man would only be considered to have a sexual addiction if he experienced a recurring failure to not frequent escorts (despite his predictions that he could do so) and he continued the behavior despite negative financial, legal, and relational consequences.”

Therein lies the true tragedy of sexual addiction: the sex addict is obsessive to the point of self-destruction. It’s one thing if a person masturbates three or four times a day for pleasure. It’s another thing if a person masturbates until their genitals are injured, and yet continues despite the pain. Sex addiction is the opposite of selfishness, because it will continue even if it means losing everything. It is much more akin to self-hatred than self-indulgence.

What causes sex addiction?

Dr. Patrick Carnes theorizes that sex addicts share a set of core beliefs, perceiving themselves as bad and unlovable people who need sex and who cannot depend on others for filling that need. These feelings generally arise from abuse, punishment, humiliation and/or abandonment in childhood, and the addict seeks to replace the lack of trust and dependency with the comfort of sex. In Out of the Shadows, Dr. Carnes describes this as “a pathological relationship in which sexual obsession replaces people.” The sex addict leads a secret double life, and prevents even their spouse from ever truly getting close to them.

Another contributing factor can be repression and negativity toward sex in the household. The child, feeling isolated and ashamed for having sexual feelings, internalizes that they are bad, dirty, perverted and unworthy of their parents’ love. Unable to stop having sexual feelings, the child hides their sexuality, often with no sense of acceptable or unacceptable sexual behavior since everything is taboo. Sex soothes their feeling of self-hatred, but at the same time fuels it.

Dr. James says: “To some extent, everyone experiences painful feelings as the result of childhood trauma.  Everyone also forms psychological defenses in order to avoid these painful feelings.  Addiction is a form of defense against feelings.  Sexual addicts learn that driven sexual behavior is a powerful way of avoiding their uncomfortable feelings.

Sexual addicts have difficulty stopping their behavior because they learn, often as teenagers, that sexual behavior is a way of regulating themselves emotionally.  In other words, they learn that driven sexual behavior alleviates painful feelings – such as anxiety, shame and emotional pain, and creates pleasurable feelings.  During sexual behavior, Dopamine, the same incentive/reward neurotransmitter that is activated by substance use, is released in the brain, creating euphoria. . . . Sexual addicts have a hard time giving up the driven behavior that helps them to regulate themselves internally.”

A sex addict cannot just simply stop, even if they want to, because they literally don’t know how to.

Is there a cure for sex addiction?

The first step for a sex addict, as with any addiction, is to admit that they are powerless over their problem and need help.

“The challenge for sexual addicts,” says Dr. James “is to learn adaptive ways to regulate themselves without resorting to their addictive behavior. The treatment recommended is a comprehensive recovery process, involving individual therapy, medication, and 12-Step groups.  In individual therapy, the individual learns strategies to separate from their addictive sexual behavior, to cope with urges, and to handle slips.  Central to individual therapy is learning how to identify, embrace and soothe painful, negative feelings.  Antidepressant medication (the SSRIs) can help to regulate mood, reduce impulsiveness, and diminish sexual drive.  With severe sexual addiction, medication often helps bring the sexual behavior under control in order that the person can benefit more fully from therapy.  Finally, 12-Step groups such as SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) or SA (Sex Anonymous) provide a culture of honesty and support that can be vital in the recovery process.”

While there is help for an addict, however, there is no magic cure. “As with substance addictions, sexual addiction has a high rate of relapse,” says Dr. James. “Once a person has separated from the addictive behavior, it is important to maintain the change through occasional ‘check-ups’ with a therapist, ongoing medication, and continued 12-Step involvement.  In this sense, I think that sexual addiction is best viewed as a condition that can be managed rather than cured.”

There is no easy answer for sex addiction, yet it is imperative that not only addicts seek help, but that they have a supportive and understanding network of family and friends. The shame, humiliation and stigma associated with driven sexual behavior can keep addicts in hiding, even once they realize they need help. Yet getting help is the sex addict’s only hope, and it is up to us all to make sure they get it.

Are you struggling with sex addiction?

Check out:

-Patrick Carnes’ book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

-www.sexhelp.com for education, resources and screening tests

-www.saa-recovery.org for information about joining Sex Addicts Anonymous

-www.pauljames.ca to make an appointment with Vancouver sex therapist and Registered Psychologist Paul James

Also check out: Breaking the Silence: A Sex Addict Speaks Out

Yes, Valentine’s is the day of sex. That doesn’t mean that “romance” doesn’t have a place in it. Of course it does. When you love a person (i.e. you care about them and desire them), you want to show them that love. Hence the romantic gestures and gifts. This shows you care. It follows, of course, that you also want to show your love by banging them. This shows that you desire them. Ah, love!

So, there are the usual gifts on Valentine’s that you give to show that you care: flowers, chocolates, candy, cards, stuffies, jewellery. These are great and are appreciated by both sexes. Of course, you can buy these kinds of gifts for your mom as well. She’ll also love and appreciate them.

But what about showing that you desire your partner? Here’s a few gift ideas to show that special kind of love; gifts that you should never, ever buy your mom:

1. Massage oils: Massage is an excellent way to get in a relaxed and sensual mood on Valentine’s. There are dozens of videos online that teach basic sensual massage techniques. The Kama Sutra line of sensual oils, body paints, and the like can be found in almost any local sex store. Personally, I like using coconut oil for massage, which can be purchased at any health food store. Not only is it edible, natural and delicious smelling, but it also makes a good lube too (NOT if you use latex condoms however– oil will break latex down).

2) Sexy wear: Lingerie is a great classic Valentine’s gift for women. However, as sweet as another teddy or negligee may be, sometimes it’s good to think outside the box. There’s so much sex wear out there for both guys and girls– body netting, corsets, leather outfits, costumes, garters and stockings– the list is endless. Feeling sexy is key to good sex, and everybody loves looking hot in bed.

3) Basic bondage: Bondage may bring up some jarring hardcore BDSM associations. However, basic bondage does not have to be painful at all, and can be a fun, new activity to spice up your sex life. Love cuffs– handcuffs lined with soft fabric to keep the metal from hurting the wrists– and a satin blindfold are a great way to start, and can be found at any sex store. Another gentle and painless way to restrain your partner is with Japanese silk love rope. If you want to be a bit more adventurous, you can also try out ball gags, collars, leashes, ticklers and whips. Though a whip may sound painful, many of the cheap, thin little latex whips don’t hurt at all and give a delicious shivering sensation when ran lightly up the skin.

4) Erotica: Buying raunchy porn for your partner screams anything but romance. However, there are a lot of classy, sexy videos and books out there that both of you can enjoy. Erotica can take a lot of pressure off in the bedroom, and can be very arousing for you and your partner. Another great gift idea is to get sexy pictures taken by a professional photographer for your partner’s enjoyment, or you can pay to have pictures or videos done together.

5) Sex games: Sex games are useful in pushing a couple toward exploring their sexuality. This is especially helpful if you are too shy or embarrassed to suggest trying new things. Love coupons are the most basic type of sex game; these can be a fun way to offer sexual favors, especially things neither of you have tried before. Then the power is in your partner’s hands for trying something different out without pressure.

Now go out and have yourself a sexy Valentine’s!

Porn has always been controversial, and with the increased availability of it, it has only become more so. On the one side, it is argued that our society has become over-sexualized, that children are being exposed too young, women are being objectified, porn addiction is on the rise, and that sex is losing its mystery and is no longer a sacred bond. On the other side, it is argued that adults have the right to enjoy pornographic material as long as it involves consenting adults, and that porn can be a fun, erotic experience for both singles and couples. There are points to consider on both sides, but regardless, internet porn is certainly here to stay; to get rid of it, you’d have to get rid of the entire internet first.

We are currently entering a new era of internet porn. The dawn of the .xxx domain. Beginning this past September, the domain was opened up to trademarked companies for registration (I checked- walmart.xxx, mcdonalds.xxx, facebook.xxx, youtube.xxx- all taken). This is an important move. Say, for instance, someone were to start a pornographic site called ufv.xxx- well then every time someone googled UFV, instead of our lovely university they would find a porn site. Not ideal. Hence why UFV bought ufv.xxx (which I’m pretty sure they have no plans to develop into a porn site).

Now we’re at the point where anyone can buy a .xxx website if you’re willing to spend $99.99 a year. Not every one is being used for porn, per se; some .xxx domains are just bought to be edgy (such as kite.xxx, an extreme kite surfing website). But obviously, on the whole, .xxx was created for porn– effectively making a cyber red-light district.

There are some great advantages from this. For starters, it would be far easier to safeguard children from porn. It would also be more convenient for adults either trying to access or avoid porn. And, like a red-light district, easier to patrol for illegal content, such as child pornography.

However, there are fears about the new domain. What if, for instance, rather than .xxx being a voluntary option for porn sites, it became a mandatory option? At first glance, this doesn’t seem like a problem– in fact, it makes a certain amount of sense, for the above stated reasons. However, there would be the possibility that a country or state could make internet porn illegal and block all citizens from accessing .xxx sites. And what we have there is a freedom of speech issue. Sure, porn sites would continue to exist underground. But that’s not the point. The point is that, despite all of the potential problems porn can create, adults still have the right and choice to view it or not. Even scarier is the possibility that sex education sites could be forced to carry a .xxx domain as well, which would  at least prevent youth from having access to healthy places to learn about sex and sexuality.

I’m personally not against the .xxx domain. I think it’s a great idea. The onus is on us, however, to ensure it isn’t used against itself. It’s hard to say at this point what the effects of this domain will be in the long run– but like the content .xxx represents, it’s sure to be large scale. We are about to witness a major shift in the virtual landscape.

But December has a few things other months don’t: longer nights, time off work, plenty of alcohol and parties and, of course, it’s cold outside– driving people under the covers to “cuddle,” i.e. warm themselves up with hot steamy sex.

So it’s little wonder, then, that the most babies are born in the month of September, nine months after December. Interestingly, October 5^th has been declared the most popular birthday– the due date for babies conceived on that capstone of the holidays, New Years. Either a lot of people are resolving to have babies, or are ringing in the New Year too drunk to remember condoms. Regardless, this birth phenomenon only attests to the popularity of sex during the winter holidays.

Still, sex at first glance doesn’t seem to be a part of Christmas culture. Yet buried among the songs about baby Jesus and Santa Claus, there are surprisingly quite a few romantic gems in there: “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” “Sleigh Ride,” “White Christmas,” nor let us forget the more suggestive “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” “Santa Baby,” and, of course, Gaga’s “Christmas Tree,” which perhaps more bawdily tells things the way they are (“Light me up, put me on top/ Let’s Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la”).

Then there’s the Christmas lingerie. Little red negligees, trimmed with white fur– oddly hot, considering that the outfits are based off a fat, old man’s wardrobe. And what happened to Mrs. Claus? She went from being a sweet, little ol’ granny figure to a sizzling, 20-something sex symbol. Apparently Santa found himself a very willing gold-digger for a second wife. And boy, does she know how to wear candy cane striped stockings.

And, last but not least, there’s the Santa fetish. Some men and women do, in fact, find Santa Claus hot. They like older men, and sitting on Santa’s lap and telling him what they want is a huge turn on. Throw in the fact that he watches you when you’re sleeping, and rewards or punishes you depending on whether you’re “naughty or nice”– well!

The Christmas holidays may not seem very sexy, but it’s actually a great time to get your freak on. So this year, as you’re rocking around under the Christmas tree, remember you’re not alone. Millions are also enjoying a hole-y night. After all, Christmas isn’t just for kids– apparently it’s also for making kids.

Now, to be fair, I’m sure there are people who do fit some these assumptions. Yes, sometimes homosexuals use bisexuality as a transitional step to coming out. And, of course, there are multitudes of girls willing to make out with another girl at the bar only to turn their boyfriends on– the “heteroflexible,” rather than genuine bisexual.

To say that a bisexual is some kind of undiscerning raging horny beast, though, is extremely offensive and completely incorrect. Yes, there are definitely hypersexuals out there, but they fall pretty evenly across the orientation spectrum. Rather, being bisexual is like liking both apples and oranges. Some people prefer apples, some people prefer oranges; the bisexual enjoys both, but that doesn’t mean that they have an uncontrollable need to have both, or quantities of both. They just have the option.

According to Dan Savage, there are actually more bisexuals than gays and lesbians combined. So where are they? Well, if a bisexual guy happens to be with a girl, or vice versa, they generally identify as straight. It’s just easier to go with the “status quo.” And, especially if they’re in a committed relationship or married, it doesn’t seem necessary to identify one way or another. People will assume for you, and, the fact of the matter is, not many people are understanding of bisexuality. “You married a girl, but you’re also attracted to guys? Don’t you want to be with guys too then? How can you possibly settle down? Won’t you inevitably cheat?” It has to be the apple AND the orange, no one seems to really get that bisexuals can be just as happy with an apple OR an orange.

So there’s apples and oranges, penises and vaginas, men and women. You either like both, either, or– let us not forget asexuals– neither. Now the world isn’t that black and white, because while it is true there are technically only two sexes– the good ol’ XY or XX chromosomes – there is a wide variety of genders and people out there. There are transsexuals, transgenders, cross-genders, two-spiriteds, genderless, the list goes on… so who loves them?

Enter pansexuals and polysexuals. Unlike bisexuals, who like only men and women, polysexuals like many genders, though not necessarily all. Pansexuals, on the other hand, are attracted to ALL (hence “pan”) genders and sexes. They find all types of people inherently desirable.

At this point, it is also worth mention a particularly special type of pansexual– demisexuals. In some ways, demisexuals are a bit like asexuals, in that they don’t just see people and feel horny for them. It is only once they have made a connection with a person– no matter which gender– that they become sexually attracted to them. It may seem idealistic, but really I must emphasize that demisexuality is not a choice. Nor are demisexuals less sexual, per se, than other people; demisexuals can still feel horny or sexually frustrated, and certainly appreciate physical beauty. It’s just that they don’t find strangers attractive in a purely “I want to have sex with you” sense.

The rainbow is really the perfect symbol for the pride/LGBTQ movement. In no area of their lives do people fit into neat and tidy black and white boxes, including sexuality. It takes all kinds to make up a world, and that’s just beautiful– because at the end of the day, there is someone for everyone. Who could ask for more than that?

You can use regular lube for anal sex– though you’ll need to use a lot more than you would for vaginal sex– but ideally you should use anal lube. It’s much thicker and stays put better. One thing to watch out for with anal lube, though, is that it doesn’t contain a numbing agent (like benzocaine). Sure, numbing may seem like a good idea, but if there’s some kind of problem– well, you won’t be able to feel it. And it’s important when to know when something is going wrong with anal sex. The rectum is very delicate.
Breathe:  The bum hole, also known as the sphincter, is designed to be a one way ticket out for solids– not in. Unless you make a concerted effort to relax, the sphincter will be too tight and will actively try to prevent something from going in. If something is forced in– ouch.

Therefore, it’s vital that the receiver breathes and stays calm. A great way to relax is to begin by engaging in a little anal play before penetration. Lightly stroke the bum hole and perineum (the area between the genitals and anus); slowly and gently work a little lube into the sphincter with a finger. The most important thing, though, is to make sure that the receiver is feeling aroused and in the mood.

Once the receiver is relaxed, rather than shoving in a dildo, penis etc. right into the anus, allow the receiver to back themselves onto it. Then the receiver can retain control, which will definitely help them stay calm, especially if something feels painful or uncomfortable.

The initial penetration is definitely the trickiest part, though it is of course still important to stay relaxed throughout. Once something is all the way in, the anus should comfortably begin squeezing it nice and tight. That’s why it’s important when using sex toys to use toys specifically designed for anal– if it doesn’t have an anchor of some sort, a dildo or other objects can easily be sucked in. Not only could this result in a potentially embarrassing trip to the hospital, but it’s also very dangerous.

Communicate: Many people don’t talk during sex. For anal sex, though, it is crucial that there is communication between partners. The receiver needs to tell their partner immediately if something is uncomfortable or painful. Continuing on could mean serious damage. One thing especially to watch out for is making sure you have the right angle; if you don’t, the receiver needs to let their partner know so that they can shift or try a new position. Otherwise, anal sex will be anything but a pleasurable experience. The receiver absolutely has to let their partner know what feels good and what doesn’t.

This is why it is important to make sure you are comfortable with your partner if you are going to try anal sex. I personally would not recommend having anal sex with a complete stranger. Even if you are at ease and have no trouble communicating with strangers in bed, I still would suggest reserving anal sex for a partner. Why?

Well, the truth of the matter is that it is much easier to get HIV and other infectious diseases through anal sex, because there is a high concentration of white blood cells in the area (which is how HIV replicates), you are more likely to get cuts or tears in the rectum, and, of course, the rectum easily absorbs fluid. Condoms help, and should be used, obviously, but they are more likely to come off or break during anal sex than vaginal. Therefore, it is critical to make sure you and your partner are absolutely disease-free before engaging in anal. You should be with someone you trust.

Anal sex can be a great sexual experience for both men and women. It stimulates the man’s prostate (the male G-spot) and it can stimulate the legs of a woman’s clitoris and G-spot. Still, anal sex is not for everyone. It should be pain-free and enjoyable, and if you don’t like it– don’t have it. But make sure you’re not missing out on something just because you’re not doing it right– always remember to follow your ABCs!

Why? Well, men have the equivalent to the female g-spot, the prostate, which is accessed– you guessed it– through the bum. Men- relax, lube up your finger and stick it in, and about two inches in you’ll find a “chestnut-sized” bump. This is your magic spot. Play with it, and you’ll discover a whole new world of pleasure, and some of the most powerful orgasms of your life.

Now, considering the degree of pleasure the stimulation of such a simple spot can bring, it’s bizarre that men don’t use the backdoor more often. Well, there’s a variety of reasons why men are queasy about it.

For starters, there’s homophobia. The thinking runs: if gay men have anal sex, then if I have anal sex I’m a gay man. Well, following that logic there are a lot of straight women out there who are, in fact, gay men. Last I checked, the criteria for being gay had to do with sexual attraction to men, not an exclusive desire for anal stimulation. If you’re truly straight, anal-play isn’t going to suddenly make you want to have sex with men. And anyhow, what’s so awful about being gay? It’s the 21^st Century. I think we’re beyond such pettiness.

Another fear is that of being submissive. However, if you are hell-bent on always being the dominant partner in bed, you can still enjoy anal stimulation without having your partner actually fuck you with a strap on. A well-lubed finger or butt plug are two other great ways to stimulate the prostate– or if you have a very generous and adventurous partner, tongues work amazingly as well. Also, some men find that thrusting isn’t very good stimulation anyways, and prefer a constant pressure. In this case, these methods are great.

The most understandable fear, in my opinion, is that of pain. The anus is a very delicate area. Prolific are horrifying tales of tears or the “pink sock” (if you don’t know what that is, I’m not going to explain it– you’re better off ignorant, trust me). But anal sex isn’t dangerous as long as you follow some cardinal rules, which I will discuss next week in my article The ABC’s of Anal Sex.

Certainly, anal sex can be a bit uncomfortable at first if you don’t relax and use lots of lube, but there’s nothing to be scared about. Besides, there’s no reason to jump straight into anal sex either. You started stimulating your dick with your hand long before you had sex, so you might as well begin that way with anal play too. Get to know that part of your body– because you’ll be shocked to discover the new realms of pleasure the prostate can open up for you.

Now the problem with plastic, as scientists are starting to realize, are chemicals called phthalates that are often added in order to soften plastic to make products like, well, sex toys. Unfortunately, these phthalates leach from plastic over time and, like many chemicals, are not good for you. Tests on rats have shown damage to the liver, lungs, testes and kidneys, and tests on humans are confirming that they cause problems with hormone regulation and reproduction. Additionally, they’re starting to think that phthalates are carcinogenic (cancer causing).

So, as you can imagine, phthalates aren’t exactly something you want leaching into your body through the vaginal or anal walls. Sadly, most cheap dildos are made with PVC or latex/jelly rubber, materials which contain phthalates. Green peace recently did an analysis, and found an extremely high concentration of phthalates in PVC sex toys, with 7 out of 8 with concentrations of 24-51%.

Unfortunately, sex toys are not regulated very well. Manufacturers classify them as “novelties” so that they can avoid having to comply with FDA regulations, despite the fact that sex toys are clearly intended to be used internally. As well, here in North America we’re rather behind the times with banning phthalates that can be ingested by the body, unlike the E.U., which has banned the use of six types of phthalate softeners in children’s toys.

However, there are plenty of alternatives to cheap plastic and latex dildos. Medical-grade silicone dildos, hard plastic dildos, steel dildos, glass dildos and ceramic dildos are all phthalate free, and unlike plastic and latex dildos they are non-porous and can be sterilized. None of these are hard to find, and if you go to any sex shop or website, they should be able to tell you which dildos are phthalate free. Your biggest tip off, though, is that strong plastic smell that cheap dildos have; phthalate-free dildos should be odorless.

In our world, we come into enough contact with dangerous chemicals without adding potentially harmful toxins straight into our bodies via dildos. Dildos have been a fun staple in the bedroom for countless millennia, and should continue to be enjoyed worry-free. Some things are worth spending a few extra bucks for, and a toxic-free dildo is one.

Humanity is obsessed with clothes. In almost every society, clothes reflect things like status, income, gender, attitude, and sexuality. We judge people based on what they are wearing. We worry about what matches, what’s in style and what suits our bodies. As any fashion student knows, clothes occupy a huge role in culture.

Now, clothing is obviously artificially contrived. It’s not as nature intended it. Go back to Eden, the first thing Adam and Eve do after they become self-aware and cut themselves off from nature is put on clothes. That said, I’m not one of those who advocate going back to whatever nature “intended,” if such randomized chaos as nature can be said to have an “intention.” I’m a huge fan of blood transfusions, drugs, refrigerators, cell phones, radio, television, internet, hair driers, airplanes… I don’t vote we all go back to living naked in the woods. Besides, that would be cold.

However, it’s a little ridiculous how people attack each other over clothes, especially “sexy” clothes. Every Halloween everyone is dismayed because the women wear revealing clothing. Ironically, they usually wear far more than they would, say, on the beach. But the beach, we accept, is somewhere women can wear less clothing because it’s hot and it makes it easier to swim; to wear less clothing simply to show off one’s sexuality- well! Heaven forbid.

Are glimpses of boob and booty a turn on? Yes, of course. Whatever we hide will always be fetishized. I don’t think that women (or men) who wear sexy clothes are making the point that they want to have the right to, say, dance naked in a club. Precisely the point is to push the limit and reveal enough so that they seem exciting because they are being risqué.

Does that mean everyone should wear sexy clothes? Of course not. Some people don’t want to be perceived as risqué and enticing. Some people dislike being sexually objectified. Some people prefer to be comfortable. Does that mean that society as we know it is going to crumble because some women and men like to show off what they got? Christ, it’s just tits and ass. We’ve all seen it before. There’s no grand mystery to nudity.

At the end of the day, does it really matter? Personally, I think we should be more concerned about issues like the Horn of Africa famine, or Occupy Wall Street, than the fact the blonde next door wants to wear a superwoman costume that shows off her boobies. But then again, I am the sex columnist. I love boobies!